God let me down today.
As you may recall, we decided to go all-in this month. We struggled to commit last month, but we felt that we were supposed to go for broke in October. Things didn't add up for us financially and I felt that God was distant. It was lonely and painful. Our hearts were yearning for a closer relationship with God. We want the blessings that God is supposed to provide his people when they're obedient. We were tired of carrying our burdens and messing things up over and over again.
Well, we were able to pay our bills at the beginning of the month and stock up on groceries. But first, we went all in- gross income, reckless abandon- trusting the Lord. Sure we knew things could get tough, but God would come rushing in and help, right? In Malachi he says to test him in this!
Malachi 3:10 (English Standard Version)
10 Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the LORD of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.
We hung on tight... and pushed back feelings of doubt and defeat. We took a leap of faith (which has been REALLY difficult for me in the past), were certain the Lord would protect, guide and help steer us through. We were happy, hopeful and optimistic that no matter what, He had our backs.
Maybe it would be a miracle check in the mail, maybe not. God can do whatever He wants. Maybe things wouldn't turn around immediately, but we'd hoped it wouldn't get worse. We waited, prayed and trusted. Then a bill came that we couldn't meet. Then another outstanding check we needed cover. Then we needed supplies. Where was God? He didn't show up. We checked our hearts and attitudes. We prayed and pleaded. Nothing.
Yet God never makes mistakes. So, I'm left holding my hands in the air, wondering what I actually did that was wrong. I left my burden for God to deal with- right to the absolute end. I fought my urge to control and self-solve.
As I sat down tonight at the 11th hour, an automated draft from our checking account is about to transpire. If we let it go, a chain of credit overage fees and dings are headed our way. God can do what He wants, but any being that loves us, is just and kind should genuinely care about our responsibilities. We put God first. If we hadn't, we could have made our bills. We put ourselves at risk and hoped he'd show up.
I was forced to nearly max out another credit card, in order to transfer funds into our account, so that we could cover the automatic draft. Thankfully that responsibility will be met, but we'd hoped God would have looked out for us, instead of leaving me to have to solve the problem myself. I'm so angry that I laid something down and didn't touch it. Repeatedly. But in the end, right before it was too late, I stepped in and had to solve my own issue.
We committed to going all in, but feel that we should no longer pursue it. Once again, I feel like I have to look out for myself, control the situation and hope for the best. I'm struggling to understand where God is in all of this. And, it doesn't help my level of timid trust in Him.
We obviously will need food later this month. The car needs a window repair, brakes, tires and obviously there's always expenses that go along with owning a home. We're looking at some expenses with trying to address some health concerns, the kids seem to run out of school supplies at inopportune times and there's always some money drain in any given month. It's life. It's also depressing.
All over the nation, people are losing their jobs, homes (our neighbor is one of them) and life savings. Around the world, people are suffering. Most of these people do not know, or trust in a Living, Loving God. Although compared to many, we're not suffering in the same way- but we're teetering on the edge. I'd hoped that by clinging and believing in God, that it would somehow form a safety net of covering and protection. It doesn't necessarily feel like that right now.
My hope is that this "book" is half written. I pray that at the end of the month, we can look back and see the hand of God at work in our lives- in a positive way, instead of allowing more and more negativity to take us out.
Good Night
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