While waiting for the bus to arrive at the Transit Station this morning, my wife and I began talking to each other about various things while seated in the car. We discussed the goings on with our children (one of which was in the back seat) and the plans we'd charted out for the day. Most of the agenda involved going shopping for groceries, planning out who would need to come home if a child came home sick, what we had planned for the upcoming weekend, etc.
What gripped me was my wife's diagnosis of a chronic problem I experience: a poor attitude.
This past year has been pretty rough for me mentally regarding my workplace. It's no secret that I used to be a valuable member of the team; I was involved in most high level projects, interfaced with management and was relatively indispensable in terms of knowledge and technical prowess. When someone wanted to know something- almost anything, my cubicle was on the short list to visit. I wasn't being prideful. I was happy to be esteemed and I felt as though I had purpose. Then it happened.
Something began to change at a pace so slow, I didn't consciously track it. A year later I find that I'm exhausted almost every day. I often feel ineffective in completing tasks and projects compared to my former standard. Several times a month, I find myself lost amid feelings of paranoia and hopelessness. Am I clinically depressed? I have no idea. Weekends and vacations do not help, either.
Not as many people stop by to ask me questions anymore. Meetings are being scheduled around me and I don't seem to have clear-cut long term goals. I don't know how I fit in with the team, or how valued I am. I'm wandering from day to day and task to task without the intense motivation I once felt. What once felt solid, now feels unstable. Is it all in my head, or is it real? In this economy, now is not the time to be experiencing such drama.
I explained to my wife that it's as though I'm on an ill-fated train ride and can't seem to get off. I can see that the bridge is out. I know what the outcome will be, but I'm powerless to do anything but ride it over the edge. I don't want to quit, and I don't want to be let go- it could be catastrophic. I want to eventually pursue other interests, but the financial needs of the family keep me trapped in what I'm currently doing for the foreseeable future.
My wife retorted that these feelings of inadequacy and lack of esteem in my abilities and overall performance may be linked to a poor attitude. If I've already mentally given up, I'm just waiting to be let go. Subconsciously packing it in is likely keeping me from trying as hard, or reaching as far as I once did. It may also be undermining my efforts to remain employed. What's even worse, is that all of this uncertainty at work follows me home. It affects my relationships with my family and keeps me from having a thankful heart. Attitude makes all the difference. I need a change, before it's too late.
Today is the first day of late, where I consciously adjusted my attitude for the better. I made a choice to do my best and all I could do was hang onto that thought today. I'll repeat the choice tomorrow as well(and the next, and so on), in hopes that I can correct any damage that's been done.
I thank the Lord for giving me such an intelligent and insightful wife, who cares deeply about my soul.
Good Night
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