I'm exhausted. Today's been full of ups and downs- but far more downs than ups. The sermon about Philip and the Ethiopian from Acts chapter 8 (verses 26-40) was a clear example of two men; one who loved the Lord and was quick in obedience to make a journey, and another man who wasn't clear on what the Bible was saying, made the ultimate outward expression of baptism. Neither man waited- they acted quickly.
As I understand it, the story can be broken down into the following points:
1. God sent an angel to speak to Philip, indicating he was supposed to go on a trip.
2. Philip didn't know what was going to happen on his trip, but he was obedient and immediately jumped into action anyway.
3. Philip met up with another man, and counseled him in the scriptures, sharing the story of Jesus Christ. This fellowship helped the Ethiopian grow in spirit and understanding.
4. The Ethiopian man immediately seized the opportunity for baptism. Philip was willing and the eunuch didn't delay.
Obedience, obedience, obedience.
Prior to the sermon, we ran a clip of a couple I know in our congregation. It was their testimony of going "all in" and trusting in the Lord with their tithing. It was amazing to hear about the struggles that these two have over come, and that the Lord has wholly restored them. They started their obedience to the Lord when the chips were down and He came through for them time and again. I was moved to tears.
If you've been following my blog for more than a week, you know that we'd signed up for "all in" as well. However, we removed our card for the program when it came time to write the check. It was payday and the bills were due, the cabinets were bare, the kids needed new clothes and shoes and it was already financially tight. Although it was something my spirit was screaming to do, we bailed on the program because by the numbers, tithing looked like complete and utter foolishness- it was hysterical on my spreasheet. We could tithe, but then we would literally have a couple of unpaid bills and less than our norm for food this month.
Instead of jumping in faith, I did what I've historically always done; clam up, become a grumpy, resentful and miserable miser. I was so close to carrying out my belief, but I couldn't let go and trust. Then things came apart.
Out Internet connection died. It was our wireless router, it simply gave up the ghost. Then, the expenses of food, house, car, utilities, kids' clothes and shoes took their toll. Then came the worry and stress over how to pay my son's "new" orthodontics bill, as well as a nice "thank you" gift we'd like to give our neighbor, who selflessly came and removed an unwanted tree from our front yard. Finally, our truck's rear window regulator broke, leaving the window stuck in the down position. It seems like no matter what we want to do (tithe), waves of financial problems keep beating us into the rocks.
It was simply more than I could handle today. I broke down and lost it. I SMS texted a friend of mine, asking for his help in "talking me down" from the ledge. I didn't expected him to call, but I'd hoped that he would. A few minutes later, the phone rang; it was the friend I'd contacted. He said he'd been reading his Bible, and the Lord placed it on his heart to call me. He didn't even look at my SMS text messages!
After a couple of phone calls spanning well over an hour, I have a little more insight into the reality of taking the step of faith and going all in. Even if it doesn't make sense, I need to obey. My friend also helped arm me with some things to assist in keeping from hurting my families' feelings when I'm feeling overwhelmed and under stress. (Recently my family shared that they were afraid of telling me about spending money on anything, as they fear I'll be angry with them.) I never want to hurt my family- all I want is to be obedient to the Lord, and a great husband and father. I've blown it over and over again. I'm so tired of this merry-go-round.
This story was hard to admit. Only a week ago, we were "gung ho" and ready to go all in. However, the stakes were piled high this week- and a financial wasteland presented itself as I turned and imploded. That was not the correct choice to make.
I'm still watching this mess unfold. Feelings between my wife and I are still extremely raw; she's very upset with me and we're not on the best of speaking terms. My children know that I want to trust God for his protection, but they're seeing the bills stack up and their father come undone, instead of practicing what he preaches. I'm the world's greatest Christian hypocrite. This spiritual roller coaster ride is taking its toll. Jesus, please forgive me.
Psalm 126:5 (English Standard Version)
Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!
Good Night
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